Ask a Redhead #2!

August 3, 2007

In our second installment of Ask a Redhead!, Tom writes:

“I heard that redheads don’t like other redheads, is this true? If so, why?”

This is only partially true, Tom. It’s a little known fact that Redheads evolved from Japanese fighting fish. In his book On the Origin of Species, Charles Darwin stated that fish walked out of the water and became mankind. He didn’t get into specific breeds, but when you think about it, it’s kind of obvious. Anyway, that’s where Redheads come from–Japanese fighting fish. Through the couple of hundreds of years that humans evolved from legged fish into the way we look today, the Japanese fighting fish, or redheads, didn’t get along too well. For about 30 years there could only be one Japanese fighting fish/redhead (at this time, the man/fish line started to blur) per village as putting them together often resulted in a bit of blood and a lot of hurt feelings. However, evolution being the beautiful thing it is, our brains developed, and like every other fish, we learned how to rationalize, think critically, and use logic to solve problems. Over time, redheads, like the rest of mankind, adapted to their new environments, and lived together in communities much like we live in today.

So, while homes were built, economies were established, and new places were settled upon, Redheads learned to live amongst each other in relative peace. That’s not to say that the primal instinct to violently remove another Redhead’s appendages upon sight doesn’t exist. It does. It’s just not as pronounced. And it took a very long time to achieve this level of neutrality.

Take note next time you see two Redheads cross paths. The sound of grinding teeth through their smiling facades is unavoidable. And never, ever put two redheads in the same body of water.


Ask a Redhead! #1

August 1, 2007

So, based on strangely high amount of traffic I got to my page today, I’m going to start the “Ask a Redhead!” advice column. Redheads always have great and interesting things to say, so keep those questions coming in.

For our first installment of Ask a Redhead!, Jane writes:

“I heard that if you sleep with a red head your offspring are more likely to have red hair even if your having another partners child. Is there any truth to this?”

Great question Jane! There is truth to this. In fact, it’s all truth and nothing but truth, so help me Boris Becker.

This is how it works; Because redheads are such an anomaly in society, their DNA has to work thrice as hard to perpetuate their bloodline. This means that the rules that apply to normal sexual contact go right out the window. If a red sperm passes through the series of tubes in a woman’s body without successfully penetrating the egg, it doesn’t die–it goes dormant. There it just sits around, flicks its tail up on the table and watches TV until a batch of non-red sperm swim through the hood. That’s when the red sperm’s survival instincts kick in. The moment any other species of sperm is detected, the red sperm B-lines for the egg. It’s an epic battle between the two species, and in most cases (87.5% to be accurate), the two species of sperm enter the egg simultaneously, thus increasing the chances of having a redheaded child.

This rule, of course, only applies to male sperm in the female anatomy. It should also be known that these chances increase exponentially in every sexual encounter with a redhead. It’s just the gene’s way of saying “me too!”

I hope that answered your question, Jane.

On having red hair

July 31, 2007


Being born into a world of yellow, brown and black haired people isn’t easy. From birth, you get more attention than you could ever want. Some good, some bad. But even the good attention becomes an annoyance, while the bad attention is occasionally a great source of amusement. Regardless, redheads are a minority. Out of an entirely Caucasian sample of 10,000 people, a mere 345 are redheads. And here in Vancouver, it would seem to me that Asians are the majority, with a large melange of other races making up another significant chunk of the population. It’s entirely possible that redheads are the smallest minority in this city. With that assumption in mind, I’m going to treat the redhead as a separate race. Laugh it up, whitey.

To have red hair is both a blessing and a curse. It boasts some great advantages while simultaneously providing tremendous grief to its bearer. How could the gift of such uniqueness–to be the rarest-looking person around–manifest itself in such vexation? Well, just ask Prince Harry, Carrot Top, or better yet, Rocky Dennis.
Instead of blaming it on intelligent design, my parents, Vikings, or thalidomide and turning to self-mutilation for solace, I’ve decided to face the issue and break down the bad and the good of having red hair.

Without further ado, The Bad:

1) The vast lexicon of cruel schoolyard taunts that haunt you at least into your late 20s–Red, Big Red, Little Red, Ginger, Gingie, Firecrotch, Copper Cock, Amber, Annie, Backdraft, Brindy, Burning Bush, Duracell, Torch, Testarosa, Raggedy Andy and so forth.
2) The way people stop and stare. I’m not handicapped. Nor am I belligerently screaming profanities at anything or anyone (most of the time), so please, kindly guide your beady little black eyes back to from where they came.
3) The way old ladies always try to touch your hair and say shit like “Does this come in a bottle?” while smacking the wet, moving parts of their mouths together like they’re about to mow down on a tasty treat.
4) The way children fear you and often cry at the sight of your presence. That’s ok, kids. I hate you too.
5) The way adults fear you and often cry at your presence.
5) Ghastly white, nearly-translucent skin. It’s bad enough that I have to apply SPF 45640956 in 10 minute intervals, but is it necessary to put on sunglasses anytime I remove an article of clothing?
6) Fibre-optic eyebrows. I don’t think this applies to every redhead. Just me.

And with much contrite, The Good:

1) Attention. I’ve met quite a few interesting people based solely on the fact that I have red hair. I’m grateful for it.
2) Ladies. Though the majority of women tend not to find redheads attractive, the ones who do, do so with fervor. As a result, I have a few impressive notches on my belt.
3) Getting away with murder. If I had a nickel for every time I should have had my ass beat down as a result of something I said, I’d be a very wealthy man. However, with red hair, people look at you a little differently, and because of this I’ve been very, very lucky–though exceptions certainly exist. This may have something to do with 4.
4) Intimidation. As mentioned above in my “The Bad” list, people fear redheads. I wouldn’t be surprised if this had something to do with the myth that redheads have tempers as fiery as their hair. But for whatever reason, a serious redhead is something that many think twice about fucking with.
5) Unrivalled sense of humour. Though easy, you can’t stay mad forever. And given all the bullshit us Gingies go through on a daily basis, one has to be light-hearted about it lest he find himself on the crown of his local University’s bell tower with nothing but a high powered rifle and a very expensive scope. I’m happy to report that I have a great sense of humour. It’s probably my best trait.

There are plenty more pros and cons to add to the lists, but these will suffice for now as they’ll give you at least a peek into the wonders and woes of Gingerdom. Remember, everyday is an uphill battle for us. In snow. Both ways. Instead of perpetuating the hate with your “harmless” quips and comments, try to understand the strife that is our day-to-day lives, and embrace us for our uniqueness and the greatness we offer in our friendships, relationships and professions.

I was thinking about starting an advice column called “Ask a Redhead”. You would email me questions on any topic, and I, as a redhead would answer it, to the best of my knowledge, in the most irreverent ways. It would actually have very little to do with being a redhead, and more about the great insight we can offer on a variety of topics. Think Groundskeeper Willie meets Anne Landers.