No, really, the thing is so hard that my mere presence turns diamonds to dust. In a span of roughly 50 hours I had the misfortune of attending a bachelor party, a birthday party, and a wedding with an open bar reception. Apparently, saying “Ah, whatever, I’m on vacation!” doesn’t provide even an iota of mercy on your body in morning. Regardless of how little you have to accomplish the next day, it still feels like flossing your innards with barbed wire.

And that was only Ottawa.

One night out with the ol’ gang in Toronto left me feeling like I’d been on the shit end of 1000 pistol whips. That’s not to say I didn’t have fun. We did Insomnia, Dance Cave (I really didn’t want to admit that), private karaoke, and basement apartments–what’s not to like? Oh yeah, suddenly realizing it’s 7am, the Go Trains are running, and having to swim against the flow of thousands of disgruntled morning commuters while smelling like a six pack of half-empty cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon left out in the sun to ripen.

I’m too old for this stuff.

Ask a Redhead #3!

August 23, 2007

Man, it’s been awhile, but someone emailed me a question. And they’re foreign!

Sue from Tennessee asks: “I read today that redheads will be extinct soon. Is this true?”

Sue, it’s true. It’s very true. So true it hurts. National Geographic just released a study saying that we’re all peacing out within this century. The theory is that people are fucking around too much, and our super-impressive, yet recessive gene isn’t being spread like it should. They even go to the extent of advising all Gingies to move to Scotland, as the gene has a much better chance of continuing there. I don’t buy it. Others say it’s not true. But these others are probably the ones in England killing redheads in their sleep.

I believe National Geographic. I think most people do. They’re, like, bigger than Reader’s Digest.

Point is, Sue, you need to go fuck a redhead. Now. Do two if you can find them.

August 9, 2007

Hey fanboys, the new iMacs are nice. But that’s it. I swear, every time Steve Jobs opens his fucking mouth you kids abandon all composure and act as though you’re 11 years old and just discovered what your penis really does.

August 4, 2007

On the internet, people throw the word “PWN4G3” around like it’s an “and” or a “the”. I think that dropping from 50 feet in the air and hitting the ground with such impact that your shoes fly off is, to date, the finest example of the word I’ve witnessed:

Ask a Redhead #2!

August 3, 2007

In our second installment of Ask a Redhead!, Tom writes:

“I heard that redheads don’t like other redheads, is this true? If so, why?”

This is only partially true, Tom. It’s a little known fact that Redheads evolved from Japanese fighting fish. In his book On the Origin of Species, Charles Darwin stated that fish walked out of the water and became mankind. He didn’t get into specific breeds, but when you think about it, it’s kind of obvious. Anyway, that’s where Redheads come from–Japanese fighting fish. Through the couple of hundreds of years that humans evolved from legged fish into the way we look today, the Japanese fighting fish, or redheads, didn’t get along too well. For about 30 years there could only be one Japanese fighting fish/redhead (at this time, the man/fish line started to blur) per village as putting them together often resulted in a bit of blood and a lot of hurt feelings. However, evolution being the beautiful thing it is, our brains developed, and like every other fish, we learned how to rationalize, think critically, and use logic to solve problems. Over time, redheads, like the rest of mankind, adapted to their new environments, and lived together in communities much like we live in today.

So, while homes were built, economies were established, and new places were settled upon, Redheads learned to live amongst each other in relative peace. That’s not to say that the primal instinct to violently remove another Redhead’s appendages upon sight doesn’t exist. It does. It’s just not as pronounced. And it took a very long time to achieve this level of neutrality.

Take note next time you see two Redheads cross paths. The sound of grinding teeth through their smiling facades is unavoidable. And never, ever put two redheads in the same body of water.

Ask a Redhead! #1

August 1, 2007

So, based on strangely high amount of traffic I got to my page today, I’m going to start the “Ask a Redhead!” advice column. Redheads always have great and interesting things to say, so keep those questions coming in.

For our first installment of Ask a Redhead!, Jane writes:

“I heard that if you sleep with a red head your offspring are more likely to have red hair even if your having another partners child. Is there any truth to this?”

Great question Jane! There is truth to this. In fact, it’s all truth and nothing but truth, so help me Boris Becker.

This is how it works; Because redheads are such an anomaly in society, their DNA has to work thrice as hard to perpetuate their bloodline. This means that the rules that apply to normal sexual contact go right out the window. If a red sperm passes through the series of tubes in a woman’s body without successfully penetrating the egg, it doesn’t die–it goes dormant. There it just sits around, flicks its tail up on the table and watches TV until a batch of non-red sperm swim through the hood. That’s when the red sperm’s survival instincts kick in. The moment any other species of sperm is detected, the red sperm B-lines for the egg. It’s an epic battle between the two species, and in most cases (87.5% to be accurate), the two species of sperm enter the egg simultaneously, thus increasing the chances of having a redheaded child.

This rule, of course, only applies to male sperm in the female anatomy. It should also be known that these chances increase exponentially in every sexual encounter with a redhead. It’s just the gene’s way of saying “me too!”

I hope that answered your question, Jane.