And on the 9th day, God said “let there be cigarettes”.

May 31, 2007

I knew it! IknewitIknewitIknewit! I was meant to be a smoker! It’s great news because it also means that I’ll never get cancer!

Last night, I jumped downstairs to my friendly neighbourhood 7-11 to buy a couple of packs of smokes (Buy 2 and get a buck off. Sweet dealz). After the cigarette/money transaction had gone done, I promptly opened one pack and put the other one in my army shorts’ side pocket.
Then today, after I had put my dirty clothes in the washer, I went to go get my unopened cigarettes. Couldn’t find them. After looking through the mountain of clean, unfolded laundry that resides in my room, it occured to me that my cigarettes went for a swim in the laundry: cigarettes + shorts pocket + soapy water = FUCK!

To all of you non-smokers or smokers that live in Ontario–cigarettes here are uncommonly expensive. Even with the awesomely economical buck-off deal I swing with my small consumable goods merchants downstairs. Sure all that excess tax money’s going to pay for all of us that get the black lung when we’re older (except me!), but it’s still unreasonable. Economists generally go by the rule that people will pay what the market will bare, and this is true. But the theory just doesn’t apply to addicts, making current “market prices” completely unfair.

Anyway, I disappointedly moped over to my washing machine and pulled out my laundry, looking for a deformed package of soggy, unsmokable butts. As I reached in to pull out the last remaining garment, I saw the pack, looking up at me from the bottom of the machine’s wash basin. Slightly dented, but not much else.

That said, I have a new working theory: Celophane + God’s Will = YES!

Also, I found a pack of Belmonts on the table of cafe I’m currently sitting at. Here’s another formula for you: absent minded cafe patron – pack of smokes = Andrew’s free smokes.

That said, if Celophane + God’s Will = YES!, and absent minded cafe patron – pack of smokes = Andrew’s free smokes, then: YES! x Andrew’s free smokes = No cancer!

John Kenneth Galbraith can suck my dick.

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3 Responses to “And on the 9th day, God said “let there be cigarettes”.”

  1. Karly said

    JKG is dead, you want a dead mouth on your dick?

    Ha-ha.

    This was a good way to start my morning Andrew, thanks!
    🙂

  2. jayphill said

    dude that was awesome… i read all the way back from the point of the last blog i had read and really, this stuff should get published.

    Thus being said, i now what to write a book of my memoirs (yeah i spelled that wrong)…

    Keep up the good work bud.

  3. Jay–Improper use of ‘thus’, but thanks all the same. If you need an editor for your memoirs, I’ll be more than happy to help.

    Karly, JKG is dead, yes. However, if he was still the alive, he would be all over my dick. That’s how good I am.

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